when i love you a little less than before

before anyone jumps into any conclusions, i have a note to make: that i'm not on rebounds.



well, how can i possibly be when my relationship isn't strained by any forms. no, there was no other persons and no, we didn't fell out of L. it's just that one of us wanted something more, and that someone happens to be me.


my last post has got some of my friends asking, what does it mean? remembered i haven't seen deline in three days and on the fourth, the first thing she said to me was, "hye, read ur blog. what happen to you?,"


i'll tell you what happen. that for some reasons i think only known to me (because i can't seem to portray them clearly enough to my friends), i wanted out form my routine of believing and worshiping practical love. i realized i wanted more. i begin to accept cocky love stories that send millions of jittered messages round my guts, and more slappings on my face. i began to accept the Twilight love-things.i really don't know, and worst of, i begin to think whether i have waited long enough to be with the right person that's worthy of me.


hadzwan and i, we didn't started of as being head over heels with each other. we look at it more like, "i can offer you commitment, lets have a relationship". and funnily for me, thats the only thing that i'm best for when it comes to realtionships, the commitment, the time and the energy. yes we dated and still do for a year and a half now and yes we talked, texted and called like everybody else, but when you have a relationship like that, that is based on pure commitments, more than likely you'll let other things in. the relationship is stretched (in a good way though, as we both see more perspectives) but in the end, i finally realized that that is all we have, a relationship.


secretly, i have envied those who still have butterflies in their stomachs, who can't breath whenever the person is around and hands got all sweaty and heart goes all dum-dum-daa-dum. i wished i had one of those, or if i wished even harder, for all of those to come back.and there are also circumstances where i think was kind of stupid for me to think over, but they really give me something to consider. like, have i really done the roght thing? what should i have done to make it different? am i really 100% satisfied with my position now? should i have waited and changed anything? i know these are really mean questions and since i'm the only one between us who's got this issues, it seems unfair to bring them up to him.


but bring them up, i did.i didn't want to sick myself by facing this alone and however greedy and demanding i can be, i would have rather tell than bluff out in frount of him. it's not nice to tell someone these things, i didn't want to break his heart. i would rather have my heart broken for that.as soon as i finished telling him, i felt so bad. this wasn't his fault at all.i was the one who wanted all this from the beginning, and now just because i have this vision of a better whatever-you-want-to-call L, i dumped all on him. i seriously wanted to take them back, but i couldn't. because i don't have love anymore but ego to spare, all i can do is wept foolishly.


the next day, i received something on my facebook page. he wrote me something(which he copypaste from the internet) that got me thinking that things can change. that he thinks can change. summarily, he said, don't discard something we already have, but try to make the best out of it. he said he wouldn't budge, and if swooning me over is what he has to do, he'll do it a million times.


i realized this; that i'm not perfect. neither is he. so why have i wanted more? if the situation is reversed, would i want him to do the same thing to me? well to me now, practical or not, we're going to do it with a little bit of love and interest.


so this is my message to all, don't simply throw away something that has been with you for so long, who have seen the best and the worst of you, who completes you and wouldn't give up on you even when you are ready to give up.you can make something out of it.if you really try, that is.there are so many other people out there who can be no better than the person you are with mow, so why not stick to the one you already have? and plus, being bored and sparkless are no solid excuses to back out from a solid relationship, there are so many out there who is even worst and don't need thinking twice to be left.L is not a magic thing, but you can make it to be magic.


to my dearest; thank you for believing and keeping me, when i threw fits and tantrums and shout and yell and curse at you. you don't know how strong a person you have been to me. so, thank you so much for all the dedications along this road.


p/s: my appreciations to myra, who is still sticking up to the one she has. to ayie, who is still being strong in facing a new beginning. to zah, who is still trying and to deline, who is still waiting.