okay so you probably wanted to ask why the picture is facing left. well, that's because i don't know what the heck is wrong with my computer that states out the angle that i need but then when it got uploaded, it became like this. sy apologies for that.
so basically the weekend that i am home right now is purely devoted to finishing off whatever that wani needs for her new school. i can't believe my little sister is finally going away. to be honest, she's the strong headed force among us three and it was all wonders why she ended up having to stay at home while syanaz and i were suffering in boarding schools. well, i make it sounds like a drama flick but seriously, i thought her time will come when she enters uni. despite that i'm happy for her. it's just that i have gotten so use of having her in the house each time i come around that i don't know what it'll feels like when she's really gone for two years. okay, now i'm being dramatic.
my beautigul baby angel Ari had just gotten her vaccine this afternoon and immediately fell sick.worst off, she cried and cried until her voice turned sour. i think she got me in the trouble as well, i have trouble with my chest now.
but that's not the whole point. yesterday and the day before, i've been thinking a lot about myself, about how i actually depend on people. see the little note i made prior? it's not that i'm ashamed of it, it's just that it's not something i 100% feel proud about. i onced ask my friend deline and she told me that i wasn't one to really strike up a conversation type of girl. i kind off what till the seat is hot before jumping in, know what i mean? and it bugs me because i think people are starting to notice, expecially some boys. well, i don't know for sure, but apart from hadzwan, i can't really talk one-on-one with other boys without the company of my more confident friends.if they don't notice it then, they'll sure do now.
it's not just in the conversation department that i seem to have a problem with. it's also got to do with me always wanting to have company, always wanting to have something to do with others that i forget how to spend time alone with myself. not to sound depressing, but i personally think everyone needs to have their own 'me' time. well as for me, i obviously don't know how. i literally have to hangout every now and then just to make sure i am with people and that makes me happy. i do realise that there are lot of thing which i have to finish by myself first but somehow i hardly ever manage to do that.i don't know if i hate being alone or what, but i hate not being anybody when i'm not with people, get me?
so i told hadzwan the other day that i might, just might, try to do something of my own and not depending on others to make me feel worthwhile.so far, i have been content shopping alone (well, not technically true as i freak out halfway and got an earful from my friends and him). i have been to breakfast everyday alone (sometimes with myra) and i don't feel any pressure sitting and eating by myself while being surrounded by a bunch of Asasian boys.i think i can move on to joining activities alone after this (yikes!!)
the reason i write this down? well, it suddenly drown to me that i am 20 years old going to be 21 in a couple of months and i haven't freakin' achieved anything that i can be proud about yet. well, i did the normal stuffs, going to school and getting a degree, but so does all the people i know. hadzwan told me the other day that he wants a girlfriend who can take care of herself no matter what and doesn't depend on others to get what she needs. i guess prior to being in a relationship, i have taken care of myself quite well and perhaps i have forgotten how to. it scares me because it should never happen to anyone.i mean, i'm happy and all, but don't i want to do something by myself, for myself?
i know it'll all probably sound nonsense, but the good things in life don't come in cute packages. they come in the hardest way that are wirth the try and worth the wait. and i don't mean to wait any longer. =)
xoxo
lylasyahirah
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