the notebook

Now, I just want to say that I have absolutely no idea of what I am going to write here. Honestly, I know what I want to write but they all seem like bits and pieces mashed up together. It's like it is easier being played on and on inside my head instead of writing them down. Because I'm afraid no one really gets it, you know what I mean? I don't want to write too long till it's pointless but I want to send my message out too. This is something I've been putting off for a really, really, really long time but I wasn't sure if I want to. But recently, I've been having a lot of Avril's What The Hell moments to even count which is right or which is not supposed to be exposed. I guess this entry will fall onto neither; it'll become the epitome of this song.

Be warned, I might enter some serious issues-ramblings-issues-ramblings phase in the next few lines. Just hope the ramblings wouldn't surpass the issues.

I celebrated my birthday recently, on the 17th of July 2011. And with it comes the new perspective and new momentum in life that I wish to embrace and achieve, as should all of us once we're entering a new age/year in life. There are goals to reach for, and in my case I have an ocean of them.

So what have I learned from 22 years of living?

1. Be yourself. If you like something, say/buy/do it. There are many others but there is only one YOU.
2. Stand up for yourself. Depending on others, is the last thing that I want to do if I can help it. I'm the kind of girl that when I want something, I will have it even if I have to do it alone. However, I do see this as both strength and weakness. If I do things too much on myself, I will be seen as ignoring and shunning others from my life. But the thing is I hate asking for favors and be burdensome to someone else. I guess I'll have to work on this area even more. It clashes like hell, and making me seem like I have this weird split personality.
3. Love yourself. It's okay to love others or love others more than yourself, but you got to have some love inside of you saved for yourself as well. Love yourself enough to know that something is wrong, something shouldn't be done or some decisions shouldn't be made that will eventually hurt you. Remember that if you don't love yourself, no one will.
   
4. Think with the head, not with the heart. I have always been a firm believer of practicality and I have longed let myself be the slave of my emotions. This is a result of a hard fall out five years ago, and pieces by pieces I have to patch my heart back again. I would not want my heart to be overly consumed with emotions, especially anger and sadness and regrets.
   
5. Apologies to me do not mean that someone is always wrong, often time it means you're matured enough to not fight over things, to solve things smartly and to defend the friendship.
6. Do not fight fire with fire unless you're absolutely 100% sure that your friendship is going to sustain it.
7. Quality always overrides quantity. You can have one or two friends that make you happy rather than having a bajillion of them and none will come to you when you need them the most. I have experienced this. Be thankful to have a friend that is willing to do just about anything for you, forgive your biggest mistake that you've ever done to her, even if it is just ONE friend. Believe me, that will be one too many.
   
8. Count your blessings, instead of what you don't have. There's got to be something in your life that you hold dearly to, that will keep your feet on the ground. I think by this time, everyone who reads my blog knows that my little sister, Ariessa is a God-Sent to me. I could not express how much I love her. Every song is about her, every laughter is for her. And I have not yet begin exaggerating, believe me.
   
9. You could have everything, but still feel suffocated. What's important is you feel content with what you have.
10. In terms of love and relationship, what's important is not to stick to how long you've been together, rather how you spend the time that you've been together.
    
11. Do not change if you don't want to.
12. Do not, in any circumstances, hold grudges. It's terrible and it gets to you back. You have to forgive others in order for you to move on.
13. Know that you're beautiful, and very special in your own way. It doesn't matter if you're fat or skinny, you're still very beautiful. Tell yourself that first before others tell you.
    
14. Put God first. Come to think of it, this one should be the first on the list :)
15. Never be afraid of what others think. It is not your job to please everyone.
    

Now that we're done with the serious part, I'm going to the more fun, non-serious part. And I am lacking vocabularies here.

I have been going through phases in my life where I have not always like the way I am. I hate myself for being too skinny because everyone else seems to think that it is unnatural for someone to be too skinny. And yes, I get all the usuals. The teasings and the name callings never get better, I begin to see compliments as hidden criticism. One thing that people don't understand is that, people find it rude to point out a person's fatness but don't find it rude to point out a person of the total opposite. So for skinny people, people like me, are deprived of the safety blanket of common sense. Until recently, I haven't really embraced the fact that the scales that I step on wouldn't change. I would always be 40kg and less in weight. I am very thankful that now, I have learned to appreciate and accept the obvious fact that this is my body, if I hate it I wouldn't gain anything but if I love it I would be very happy.

Of which, everything being told, this blog might probably enter a new angle :)

That's all for now, Bai Semua =)