you don't know what's inside here.

i know you care, and i probably am asking for too much.

so if it gets out of hand, i can back away, no questions.

that's why it is best if i don't depend on you much to make me happy, make me whole.

for all this while, i can manage to be on my own.

i can take care of myself, don't worry.

we live in a world where the natural law says, "you live on your own and you'll die alone. everything else in between is just to fill in the gaps of your life"

so why have we forgotten that?

i need to see myself as a whole worthy being that i love and care more than anyone else, because no one will ever care more about me than my own body.

i don't want you to feel like i own you, and you need to oblige me, because the best of you isn't decided by me.

i just want us to be two nice people caring for each other the best they could, and not hoping for anything in return.

that way, we have nothing to lose whilst nothing to gain.

i just want you to know that i'm still the same, just my priorities have changed.

i want to do a lot of things, so i can't guarantee you anything because likewise, the best of me isn't decided by you.

though i really put hope on us to make things through, it's not in my book to let go of my dreams.

because in the end, all we have is just ourselves.



xoxo,
lylasyahirah

finally home

i arrived home last night at around 1 a.m and found Ari sleeping soundlessly in her cot. she is such a sweet, the reason why i came home for the weekend.never in my entire life have i been so pulled to home like right now. having another soul who i cared more than myself really does that, and it is such a serene feeling. i can feel all the burdens lifted from me just by looking at her untroubled face. and she has changed so much. her face has gotten a bit rounder, chubbier and she has this cute pout which she doesn't have last time.her hair has started to grow in all of the unusual places on her head, she looks a bit like a football fan. and she has fat belly and legs now. mak was relieved when i said i wanted to come home, she didn't have the strength to carry Ari around anymore because she got so heavy.okay, i probably make my little sister sounds like an accessory by now so i need to stop describing her. =)


but not quite yet.



she got this bunch of amazing stuffs from mak and abah. and all of them are in pinks. she got her own little fan right now (which we used quite a lot on ourselves), a new sleeping cot, a new bedsheet (i wonder why she got this, she's not big enough to utilise the bedsheet anyway, and it was cute as hell) and a new toy.wow, being a baby sure comes with a price.


well anyway, like i said, i needed to get home to relieve my burdens. law school is sooooooooooo stressful at this moment, i'm not sure whether i have emphasised it enough.i'm taking land law, constitutional law, administrative law and criminal law this year, and being in the second semester means i have to work double hard to stuff my head with all topics from last year to sit for my once-a-year exam at the end of the semester. so far i find it to be depressing.UM law students pretty much have to learn on their own, we don't have slides or notes to refer to (we do have buddy notes though) and some of the lecturers don't help in the tutorials as well. i had a rough time adjusting to this situation but in the end i know it was all for good training. most of the lecturers here are either firm or overly fierce, but i know their characters are nothing compared to the judges i'll meet someday. so i have to toughen myself up for this field. there were days when i feel my head sunk so low to earth that i don't want to reappear or that i find it hard to catch my breath everytime i'm being tormented by the lecturers, cases, and reading materials but thankfully i have my friends that are always there to help me up.


being in such a distressful state, surely i have to find a way to live to my burdens. so far, going home isn't the best option available and i can't always hope on a train anytime i want to.so i go out, go to movies, go shopping and eat out with my friends.i think i do all of these everyday now, so imagine hahaa =). last week, because i said i was enjoying my time alone, i visited a blogshop and grabbed a few things from there. it was my first time, so i was all of a flutter. zah chipped in as well and we got so many items that the seller decided to give us discount and free postages. i think blogshopping comes with the benefit of having friendly customer services, one which i almost impossible to see when shopping in malls.so we got a whole lot of makeups which we intend to wear for dinners, and i was 100% truly satisfied with the items i received. if you would like to check them out, here's the link. http://ernesworld.blogspot.com. they got NYX cosmetics too out now, they're a drugstore brand from the States and i was asking zah to consider the new picks.


i don't know about you, but retail theraphy does work for me. last time, it was all about new clothes. this time, makeups and accesorries excite me more.i know it's a short term kind of thing, but they make me really, really happy. i can wake up to classes feeling all excited to wear anything that i got. is that strange? i've given up depending on people to make me happy all the time because we all have issues and own lives to care about, so i turn to superficial things that never let me down.it's not so bad.


owh and speaking of people and friends, next weekend is going to be super exciting. my friend aween sugested last semester that we all go for a trip to Malacca.since it's so hard to find time for everybody (they are 19 of us, excluding the boyfriends), we finally manage to settle for next week, the end of january. i'm all of a flutter now. i can't describe how happy i am, it was all anyone of us ever talk about now. we're going to have a hell of a good fun and laugh.hmmm. only problem is, wani has asked for my tote bag last night because she wanted it for her new school (my little sister has got accepted to a boarding school) and i don't want to dissapoint her. so now i have no comfy bag to take around and i really don't want to blow anymore money i have before i reached Malacca. i guess i just carry my not so convenient handbag there and see how it goes.=)



the boys and girls planned to watch a hindustani movie this afternoon and another movie if they can manage, and this time i couldn't join them for family reasons, and sorry too because i missed the theatre practice and futsal training. i hope you guys had fun. i love you all.


okay, this post sonuds like i'm talking to my friends when i really intend to make a public psot.hmmmmmmmmm=)

ohana

had a fabulous day and night out. thank you to my friends who highlighted the weekend. this is what i miss most when i'm in Penang. the comfort and company of friends. just this time around, i'm trying to get things balanced and organized so that i won't end up a walking stick at the end of the day. ;)

last thursady, after a torturous criminal law tutorial, me, ayie, zah and deline headed to OU, where zah found her love for Cotton On a little misplaced. hehee. but she managed to get things eventually. i seriously was in no mood to shop that day. firstly, because our original plan to go and watch movies with the rest of the cherpoms didn't accomplish. they had volleyball and handball matches,it was a bit of a shortnotice. then we had to let myra down as we can't get near enough to Mid. i don't know why, but despit the new parking space, the place is still crowded. luckily she had Aqwa though we know she wanted to see us. and also sorry Ad for not being able to make it for the movies. i wished i could follow you to Bangsar.


alright, enough of the apologies. now i bought two accessories from F21 and FOS. then a blusher and makeup remover. yep, i bought ridiculous stuffs. it was a bad day of shopping for me. but i have to thanked Zah and Deline for their concerns. they thought i was a bit moody because of what the place holds for me. hehe, so now i have to confess, i have not the slightest intention to let my mind ponder on that fact. not now, not anymore. that was a distant past and the future for me now is much much brighter. thank you guys. love you so much.


then we went to see Rukh, a teater from first college at the KPS, UM.and as the reputation goes to suggest, the teater was nothing short of spectacular. a big round of applause and two thumbs up to the juniors, Ello, Mell and Qiela for pulling off such a great performance. and also not to forget, to K.Farah, whom i suppose is an old hand in teaters like that now. and i enjoy being in my old clan, surrounded by friends and we laughed our heads off right after the show because of too many funny things.


we headed on to Bangsar, for our favourite spot at Nasi Lemak Bangsar. i usually don't finish all that i'm eating. but i never remembered when i'm not able to finish the nasi lemak there. that's why it's famous. ohh okay, back to the story. soooo many hilarious things happened that night. i literally end up crying. thanks to Syak, Shahrul, Deline, Emi, Aween, Ad, Kem. hehe not to forget Ad's boyfriend and his other friend i suppose. but right in our conversations, i can't remember it now, but someone mentioned about ghost stories and everyone chipped in. it wasn't funny anymore to me. i hate ghost stories. not when most of them consist of what happened in colleges and universities.and worst, the tv at that place showed Drag Me To Hell. ohhh. then, Aween suggested that we all watch the latest ghost movie, and the scarriest, Ju-On: White Ghost and Black Ghost. at this point, i was no longer laughing. i was scared to the root. i didn't want to go and watch the movie, but i do want to spend time with my friends.

so in the end, after much persuasion i finally relented and went for the idea. we called myra, aqwa,azzairi and daus and all four agreed to come and watch the movie.it was a latenight movie at Mid Valley. i was right between Myra and Deline and hoo-betold, i cried just when the first ghost appeared. first ghost, i tell you! and i was banging on myra to get out, but myra said where will i stay if i'm out there. huhuu so i had to endure the movie, my lungs were all sour from yelling and cursing. seriously, the movie was not for the weak hearts.


after the movie, we went to Pelita, also in Bangsar because myra and aqwa hadn't had dinner yet. besides, azzairi and daus wanted to stay out. i was numb to my feet and funny thing was, i had land law class the next day at 8am.


the land law class i went, because i promised myself that i would not skip on classes if the day before i had fun going out. that was one of my new year resolution, right? and because the last friday class i didn't get to attent because i stayed up late doing my criminal law stuffs. that was the only exception i hope to make to myself.the class was a okay, and i guess i wasn't sleepy because the movie still haunted me so i was in a vigilant state and also because i had to walk all the way to my faculty. it works my system, and Dr.Yong's class was getting more enjoyable nowadays.


after class, i had a long, nice sleep. around 2.30, me, deline and zah decided to go to Mid to catch a movie together. they haven't seen Avatar, so we went for the 3D. the movie was great, they loved it, thank God. but the 3D specs were killing us.but the effects they had on the story was superb, so i can't complain.then i tried sushi, which the daredevil inside me wanted to. but i end up giving two of them to Chot because i couldn't stand them.


now i'm all alone, enjoying my rare moment alone actually. i have the room all to myself now, haha. i wish it'll come more often, and i hope it will. i've turned down two requests from deline, first for shawls at Jalan TAR and the other stuffs from Giant. thanks for being such a sport hunn. and zah too, who's enjoying her momentum now.;)


it is not my intention to brag on the things i just did for the weekend, because seriously, it's more or less the same like everyone else. i need my friends to keep me sane from law school nowadays and being alone, they are all i have. i want to treasure each walking moments with them because i love them so much. can't wait for lawnite and the malacca trip we planned.yippee!


i'm also very happy because my sister got accepted into SOKSEH, she's not deciding to go, but i know she will. i wish her all the best.and also, after very much efforts i put into VOX (since last year), i manage to get the main sponsor from Thomas Phillips and sponsor from Shook Lin & Bok. Kudos!

the most beloved

this is the earliest photo of her, a day after birth.

people, meet Ari. Ari, meet people.

i know it took me a long time to get this uploaded. i blame it to my knack of having things misplaced all the time, which the case now is, my cable uploader.

look at how tiny, small, miniscule, elf-like she was a month ago. when i show this picture to my friends, i'd asked them to compare her size to the pillow next to her. ;D

Ari is a month old now. she can't smile yet, no matter how many times we force her to ;D. the only times she did smile was if she was having sweetdreams in her sleep. but she reflects to sounds quite fast. and she responds to people talking to her, well, not in a known speech yet but she does this kind of "mmmmm" sound everything we talk to her. it is so fun. and the funny thing was, we think she knew what we're talking about. there was this one time when i talked to her, saying how cute and little she was and she responded with the usual "mmmm", then, out of wanting to know, i said that she's smelly, and her face contorted like she was about to cry and she bit her lips. i quickly said that she's still cute right after that. ;D oh and she's an actress. she can play this 'well-mannered' baby character when people came and visit us. she would drink her milk obediently and slept right after that, in ignorance of people around her and people would say that she's easy to take care off. but once the people were out, there you go. she would start crying and asking for all the attention. oh she did that a lot.

there is this MJ song that i sometimes sing to her to make her sleep.
that, an Lee Ann Rimes's.
i sing just to make her sleep, not to compete in American Idol ;D
it's called "what more can i give"

How many people will have to die before we will take a stand
How many children will have to cry, before we do what we can
If sending your love is all you can give
To help one live, mmm

How many times can we turn our heads
And pretend we cannot see
Healing the wounds of our broken earth
We are one global family
Just sending your prayers
Is something you feel
Helping one heal

What have I got that I can give
What have I got that I can give
To love and to teach you
To hold and to need you
What more can I give

Brother to brother, lay down our fears and reach out and make a pact
Show him the love that is in our hearts, let us bring salvation back
Just sending your love has the power to heal
So let's all give

What have I got that I can give
(It's not a lot to give, just a little bit)
What have I got that I can give
(Everyone should be a part of it)
To love and to teach you
To hold and to need you
What more can I give

Say the words, I'll lay 'em down for you
Just call my name, I am your friend
See then why do they keep teaching us
Such hate and cruelty
We should give over and over again

I love you, Nur Ariessa.

you're the "nur" of my eye.

erk.
this is the other most beloved right now. ;D
but i guess i've talked about him one too many.
whatever pun, i still love you lah bro!

juzst rambling II

pebendeakumerepekbuatassignmentniiiiiiweeeeeh!!



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